Broken glass...

The one thing I really cannot stand as a pastor's wife is the fact that I cannot defend myself. If someone has called about something I did, said, wore, thought, blinked or breathed, I can't defend myself to that person or anyone they speak to, other than pastor. Their opinion of me, and what I did that was so treacherous, gets the chance to spread itself by their tongue, and I have no defenses. My only option is not being offensive... but everything is offensive to someone... so it's not really an option.

People all around town believed I was "just here for the money" because I mentioned how I wouldn't jeopardize my husband's job, because we like to get paid so we can eat and survive.
Some people think I'm this terrible person, because things I say get misunderstood, taken out of context, or taken too literally or seriously when I'm joking. I'm really not a bad person.
And I can't do anything about it. The only thing I can do to try to cope with this judgment toward me is be on the defensive all the time.

If I don't keep it in check, it becomes paranoia. I always get worried when there's a Senior Pastor Relations (SPR) meeting, if our fate is being decided because of something I -may- have done or said that I haven't even heard about. I get worried about being myself around anyone, including our youth. Even though with our youth, when we were playing a game and I knew the answer but couldn't remember and we lost, I spurt out "DAMMIT!" and they all laughed, all I did after that was worry that some parent was going to give us a phone call. I know all the youth curse like crazy when they're not at church. I personally wish they would be themselves at church more, because if they put up an act, how are we supposed to get anywhere with them? Unfortunately we've created this Christian society where disagreeing with the mainstream view of things is wrong, where certain aspects of your personality shoul be hid within the walls, and where sinners really can't admit freely that they're sinners. Everyone in church knows they all sin, no one is perfect, but they all pretend to be, because for some reason to admit you're imperfect is taboo...

I am not what they want me to be. I know it, because there are VERY FEW Christians like me.
The thing that bothers me above all is that I'm really not a great Christian, but I am expected to be near perfect. I am a scholar, an artist, but a good Christian? No. And I know as a pastor's wife I should probably be better at it, but I'm not. And I'm not terribly interested in being perfect, either. It would be nice to be in a place where I wasn't constantly criticized, but striving toward perfection isn't going to get me there. My problem is not myself, it's others perception of me based on being misunderstood. Deep down I'm a caring, loving, creative, logical, compassionate person with a sense of humor I cherish to get me through life - a sense of humor I thank God for every day. But, this town is so stuck in the 50's that if I were to act myself I would be considered the opposite.

I had used the internet a lot to try to make sense of being a pastor's wife, and when I found myself in a group of women with the same predicament I had, I figured that maybe I could actually be myself.
Instead, it got me exactly where I am now - being accused of being this or that or the other, and not being able to defend myself. When I did, I got kicked off. Now, I know there are rules. Did I break them? Sure. Did the moderator who continued on break them? Hell yes she did. Did anything happen to her? Nope. Seems fair, doesn't it? Seems more like a dictatorship to me.
If you see someone committing a crime, do you tell them to stop, and if they don't, do you just say screw it and join in? No, you don't. And if you do, you should be held accountable for your actions just as much as the original offender. It seems to me more than anything that even pastor's wives aren't as accepting of everyone. The one breed of wives that know what it's like to feel unaccepted has turned me away.... but not before calling me ageist, discriminatory, and closed-minded. The funny thing is? I'm more open-minded than the person who claimed that I attacked anyone's opinion who didn't agree with mine. Was that before or after they attacked me for my opinion by telling me I was a discriminant? How backwards is that bullshit?

As all of it was going down, a glass fell off the dish drainer and shattered into a million pieces on the kitchen floor. Broken glass.

So now I'm wondering, if I can't even be myself around a bunch of women who know what it's like to feel like they have to pretend to be someone they're not, around a bunch of women who know what it's like to be accused because someone took something you said and twisted it, or misunderstood you and not be able to retort, who can I be myself around?

For a religion that promotes accepting sinners along with saints, I sure feel completely cast out.

Now everyone of us was made to suffer
Everyone of us was made to weep
But we've been hurting one another
And now the pain has cut too deep...
So take me from the wreckage
Save me from the blast
Lift me up and take me back
Don't let me keep on walking...
Walking on broken glass