Everyone keeps saying "give it time" "it's only been a few months"... do you have ANY idea what it's like to not have a SINGLE friend in town, and no job or kids, for months? It totally sucks. I've watched TV. Cleaned. Done crafts. Painted. Slept. Wrote. Job hunted. Haven't gone out for much in the way of photography because it's been too hot, but that's about to change - it's 36 degrees right now. Eventually I'm going to run out of things to do to keep me busy, and I'm going to need someone other than my husband to hang out with.
And even though I've read it from about 50 other pastor's wives on my support site, and read it in countless websites, that it's not me... it's still hard to accept. People talk to me, and that's something... although I get nervous every time I talk that it's going to end up as a gossipy game of telephone, or end up with an actual game of telephone and I'll have to listen to the pastor tell me people called and complained.
I'm a pastor's wife. And I'm not alone in the problems that certain people want to blame on my behavior or my actions. According to the Global Pastor's Wives Association:
1) 84% of pastor's wives say they don't feel prepared for the position they are put into.
2) 80% say they feel unaccepted and unappreciated by the church/congregation.
3) One of the most popular subjects among pastor's wives is... (take a guess here)... LONELINESS. Despite the fact that pastor's wives are surrounded by people, they feel isolated and rarely have many friends. After all, a pastor's wife can hardly discuss marital woes or any tribulations with her husband's flock, and colleagues or other friends outside the life of ministry don't get life inside it.
I've had people tell me "You CHOSE to be in this position". No. I didn't. I didn't CHOOSE to love him. I didn't CHOOSE for him to feel called into ministry. It happened, and I was thrown into it. And I'm trying to deal with it.
My family members all have advice for me, or reasons for the problems I'm having. Mostly, they have blamed me. I've been nothing but nice and all smiles to everyone in church. My Aunt even had the audacity to tell me that it was my fault I had no friends because I was angry and critical and offered up little hurtful tidbits all the time... this came after I told her a store had XXL's for her, but that if I could fit in a medium, she should be able to as well... She got really hurt after that (despite the fact we're the same size), and figured I just talked like that to everyone. I act a LOT differently around, say, my mother or cousin than I do people I see in church every week.
I know my family means well, but they have NO IDEA what it's like to be married to a pastor. My family isn't terribly religious. They have barely spent time in a church to begin with. If you barely know what it's like to be a regular or involved church member, how can you even speculate being MARRIED to the church?
We're the only species of wife that is referred to with a context - and a heavy one at that. You don't hear someone introduce you as "The plumber's wife" or the "Doctor's wife". No. But as a pastor's wife, you are either introduced as one entity with your husband, or you're introduced as the "pastor's wife". I'm the "youth pastor's wife". I've actually been introduced that way. "Oh, this is the youth pastor's wife." It was horrifying. You're "expected to be a holy breed" - and don't give me credit for that quote, it was actually in an article I read. People expect you to be every unconscious desire to them. They expect perfection. They expect what they WANT you to be, not what you are. I'll refer to #2. And it's not just the pastor's wives being sensitive, because most times (and as I've already learned) if you do or say or don't do something someone wants you to, you're the victim of the telephone complaint tree.
The problem with being a pastor's wife is that you're expected to be just as knowledgable and mature in your faith as your husband. You're expected basically to be an extension of him. You're expected by NON-perfect Christians to BE a perfect Christian. You're expected to never get angry, never curse, never find a dirty joke funny.... Do doctor's wives have to know how to diagnose a disease? No. Do people expect mechanics' wives to know how to change the fuel pump on a 86' Ford? No. But as a pastor's wife, you should know the Bible like you were born with it, and should be a living breathing example of the "perfect Christian". Now, it's not totally wrong for people to expect you to be a good Christian - after all, you're married to a man who tells other people how to BE good Christians. BUT, where it gets messy is the fact that despite the Bible, not only are you held to almost impossible standards of perfection that only Jesus can have, but your expectations change with each and every member of the church. It might not sound like a big deal to be expected to be a good Christian, but my definition of "good Christian" is a lot different than hers, his, theirs, and yours.
Some pastors’ wives aren’t called to be pastors’ wives but wives of men who are pastors.
