This evening one of my facebook friends posted a status that bothered me. This doesn't happen often - if my mind were any more open about a lot of stuff, my brain would fall out... I tend to walk the line with a lot of subjects, until I've exhausted all of the roads of information to gather an informed opinion about something. Even then my life is tricky, because I believe in the first amendment to the extreme - and this can be difficult to do as a pastor's wife. There is one thing I cannot stand about facebook, blogs, and the internet... We'll get to that, very soon.
This friend on facebook had posted about Lady GaGa's new video for her song Judas. She had said the video was extremely offensive to Christians, and that we shouldn't allow our teens and kids to watch such filth, and that she had found the leaked Judas video but decided not to link it because the thumbnail for the video itself was "too disturbing".
Now, I know Christians can get uppity about people being offensive to Christianity and God. When your husband works for a church, you hear it a lot about it. I'm used to people getting extremely upset about things that matter, and things that don't matter. I'm also used to the bandwagon effect.
My immediate wonder about this new GaGa video is what could be THAT horrible? Ok so she wears meat dresses for gay rights, and wears clothes that look like Liberace and Elton John had a baby for "shock value". She's one of the most open minded people out there, so much so that I think her brain actually did fall out sometimes... but for her to attack Christianity so terribly doesn't seem logical. You don't simultaneously fight for equality and shut out a major group of people, do you? Lady GaGa did go to Catholic school for 13 years, so it's not surprising that this topic will come up from time to time in her performances.
So I went on a search for this video, and came up empty handed. I couldn't find it... anywhere. At this point I had to see it. I just had to. I asked if she could just post a link in comment to the video so I could watch it. That's when I realized that she had jumped on the bandwagon. All aboard. No, this time it's ok, because HER PREACHER SAID IT.
This is when I get upset. Did she see the video personally? Did she formulate her own opinion based on anything other than copying her preacher's status update? How many other mindless copy-pasters did this preacher create?
I questioned her and she promptly posted a link to another GaGa video (Telephone, in my opinion one of the most irrelevant wannabe Thriller videos ever made - ok, a video in a jail, with lyrics about being in a club? What?) and she said it was filth, and said that she had copied her status update from her preacher so she figured he had done his homework. I'm not interested in the OTHER video - she posted a very strong and very stern opinion about the Judas video.... that she hadn't even seen yet.
Sure, her preacher had an opinion about the video and he's entitled to it. I do wonder though how he got ahold of this elusive video that no one else has seen...He apparently got to see it (he must be the only one in the world that has). Now I'm not saying all preachers are wrong, or liars. Some of them are, some aren't. I don't know her preacher personally, and I don't have an opinion about him.
I also don't have an opinion on the Lady GaGa video...
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
Curious, I listened to the audio of it with the help of finding the lyrics to the song. The song, if taken metaphorically, is about loving someone who has done wrong, being torn between choosing someone you feel more connected to as a person because they're dirty like you, or choosing the person you know is better for you. When you apply that metaphor, along with the release of information by GaGa herself that she'll be portraying a Mary Magdalene character in the video, who is torn between her devotion to Jesus but her love for the 'bad boy' Judas, which may not be Biblically supported (or accurate), but isn't really offensive. I mean, we ARE tempted to sin, to choose the darker path.
The song can get quite confusing. It almost speaks in different stances as if from three separate points of view: Jesus', Mary Magdalene's and even Judas'. There's also one line that talks about betrayal three times, in reference to Peter perhaps? The song, in my opinion, isn't offensive - it's either a metaphor for being with a man who is just no good to you, or a interesting take on the possible struggle GaGa is having between choosing God, or turning away from Him... and if that's offensive, I think maybe Christianity doesn't want any more members, now does it?
The video is a different story. It could be offensive, it could just be another bandwagon of hate based on ignorance. But I'm not about to have an opinion on something I haven't seen for myself yet. That bandwagon can just drive by, I'll walk, thanks.
And this, folks, is what's wrong with the internet - facebook, blogs, etc... Many people have given up on finding out their own opinions about things, and have jumped on the bandwagon of click-highlight-copy-paste. This is a plight among the Christian community especially, because we're loud and opinionated. It's ok to have opinions, and it's ok to share opinions, but when did we stop thinking for ourselves and start regurgitating facebook status updates? When did we start copying and pasting things about something we haven't seen/heard/read about yet, and think it's ok to do that? Now I know we've been doing this since the dawn of time, but the internet has made it much easier to start a global bandwagon of ignorance, fueled by hate. I'm not upset that she trusted her preacher - I'm upset that she put her complete and utter, 100% faith in her preacher and flew on complete ignorance, spreading information without checking for herself.
If preachers were the absolute truth holders, Bibles would be printed for clergy only. (and coming from a pastor's wife, that's serious business)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wow...
They say everything happens for a reason... that's the secular way of saying that God's got a plan.
Sometimes it takes time to realize what that plan is, and whether or not you like it. Once you figure it out, though, it's a breakthrough that really puts you at ease with it - even if you don't really like it.
If you read this blog, a little while back (2 weeks maybe?) I was hastily kicked off of a forum of pastor's wives for doing the same bad behavior one of the moderators did. At the time I was hurt... now? I actually feel more positive than I have since I had joined it. Part of this might have something to do with feeling more comfortable now at our church, but I think a lot of it is that I don't have to watch my back all the damn time. I don't have to worry that I might offend someone with a post, go back and edit it, or worry about one of the moderators editing because I said "crappy". GET OFF IT, seriously? Crappy? But "poopy" is ok? It all means SHITTY in the end, and isn't that what the Bible speaks about, intent?
Since my departure from that forum, I've figured things out on my own, and I don't feel the burden all the time of hearing about ailments in those ladies life. It weighed on me so heavy, not to be selfish, but I've always been empathetic... and now, well, I feel like I can BE MY FREAKING SELF.
People are just so uptight. Since when did being a Christian mean your sense of humor goes out the window? Why did we as Christians create this mold that we all must fit in? Sure, the Bible gives us guidance on how to live, but it doesn't tell us anything about our personalities being raped from us. God MADE me this way. I am not tainted. I am myself. And I'm beginning to embrace that....
This post was a little ranty, but I just finally feel good about myself for the first time in a long time, and as helpful as some of those other pastor's wives were, I never felt like I belonged. Getting kicked off of the forum was merely just proof that a lot of Christians are judgmental and some of them are very discriminatory. Guess what, Jesus loves all his children... even me.
^__^
Sometimes it takes time to realize what that plan is, and whether or not you like it. Once you figure it out, though, it's a breakthrough that really puts you at ease with it - even if you don't really like it.
If you read this blog, a little while back (2 weeks maybe?) I was hastily kicked off of a forum of pastor's wives for doing the same bad behavior one of the moderators did. At the time I was hurt... now? I actually feel more positive than I have since I had joined it. Part of this might have something to do with feeling more comfortable now at our church, but I think a lot of it is that I don't have to watch my back all the damn time. I don't have to worry that I might offend someone with a post, go back and edit it, or worry about one of the moderators editing because I said "crappy". GET OFF IT, seriously? Crappy? But "poopy" is ok? It all means SHITTY in the end, and isn't that what the Bible speaks about, intent?
Since my departure from that forum, I've figured things out on my own, and I don't feel the burden all the time of hearing about ailments in those ladies life. It weighed on me so heavy, not to be selfish, but I've always been empathetic... and now, well, I feel like I can BE MY FREAKING SELF.
People are just so uptight. Since when did being a Christian mean your sense of humor goes out the window? Why did we as Christians create this mold that we all must fit in? Sure, the Bible gives us guidance on how to live, but it doesn't tell us anything about our personalities being raped from us. God MADE me this way. I am not tainted. I am myself. And I'm beginning to embrace that....
This post was a little ranty, but I just finally feel good about myself for the first time in a long time, and as helpful as some of those other pastor's wives were, I never felt like I belonged. Getting kicked off of the forum was merely just proof that a lot of Christians are judgmental and some of them are very discriminatory. Guess what, Jesus loves all his children... even me.
^__^
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Aunt x3
My sister-in-law has been expecting twins, and went into labor this afternoon.
Knowing full well his sister was going to give birth sometime in the next month, my husband committed himself a month long play at our local theatre. Hairspray. He's not IN the play, he's playing the drums for it. The only bad part about this is that for the next few weeks, he's going to be at practice, and then at the play, for 3 days a week, for 4 hours a day. My loneliness is going to go up threefold. I have the option of going with him and sitting for 3 hours while they work on the play, but that doesn't really interest me. I don't care for musicals, and I really don't want to hear Hairspray 30 times either.
Now is when I wish we weren't 5 hours away from our family. At the same time, I know that after getting her labor stopped and performing a c-section, the babies are premature, and will spend a few weeks in the NiCU.
When my sister-in-law gave birth to my niece, I cried. I refused to go in to see the baby. Mind you, I wasn't really part of the family yet, my now husband and I were still just dating at this point, and I felt awkward. I watched him and his brother welcoming in their niece and I became flooded with emotions of jealousy.
Not of having my own child, but of having a niece.
When my only brother took his tumble and "went to be with the Lord" as they say, a less brutal way of saying "he died", I lost my chance to be an aunt.
I had gone to the hospital to wait for the baby to be born to be supportive of my husband, but I didn't want to just assume we were going to be together forever and act like I was the Aunt.
For 2 weeks I didn't hold her. I didn't want to take away from the family's time with their new addition. I would instead just watch him hold the child and look so amazing, and look so amazed to be an Uncle.
After finally being coerced into it by everyone, I held her, and for the first time ever, experienced the awesomeness that is holding a newborn.
It was then that I felt like my internal clock started. Sure, I had thought about it before I met my husband, but for years I knew it was not a possibility... college was my priority.
When I came into the picture his sister was about 6 months pregnant. It was always awkward between her and I (still kind of is, 3 years later). I immediately fell into the position of Aunt when we got engaged... I felt like I could assume that role in her life, and be called that (even though she was just a baby who didn't understand that her Mumma was calling me "Aunt"). I love her cute little face so much.
Now I have 2 nephews merely hours from being brought into the world, and although I know it's not really my fault, we're still without a child. We've been waiting for my body to regulate and it won't. Next month if I don't get back to normal I get to go to the doctor. It's so frustrating to see the look of disappointment in his eyes that we're not able to conceive yet. I know holding his nephews is going to be bittersweet... that he's going to hold their little hands and wish we were holding our baby. She will have 3 and we don't even have 1 yet. I hope that before my brother-in-law gets married and has a baby we'll have our own... but, you never know. :(
Regardless, I'm so excited and ready to be an aunt to 2 bouncing twin boys... I might steal one. ^__^
Knowing full well his sister was going to give birth sometime in the next month, my husband committed himself a month long play at our local theatre. Hairspray. He's not IN the play, he's playing the drums for it. The only bad part about this is that for the next few weeks, he's going to be at practice, and then at the play, for 3 days a week, for 4 hours a day. My loneliness is going to go up threefold. I have the option of going with him and sitting for 3 hours while they work on the play, but that doesn't really interest me. I don't care for musicals, and I really don't want to hear Hairspray 30 times either.
Now is when I wish we weren't 5 hours away from our family. At the same time, I know that after getting her labor stopped and performing a c-section, the babies are premature, and will spend a few weeks in the NiCU.
When my sister-in-law gave birth to my niece, I cried. I refused to go in to see the baby. Mind you, I wasn't really part of the family yet, my now husband and I were still just dating at this point, and I felt awkward. I watched him and his brother welcoming in their niece and I became flooded with emotions of jealousy.
Not of having my own child, but of having a niece.
When my only brother took his tumble and "went to be with the Lord" as they say, a less brutal way of saying "he died", I lost my chance to be an aunt.
I had gone to the hospital to wait for the baby to be born to be supportive of my husband, but I didn't want to just assume we were going to be together forever and act like I was the Aunt.
For 2 weeks I didn't hold her. I didn't want to take away from the family's time with their new addition. I would instead just watch him hold the child and look so amazing, and look so amazed to be an Uncle.
After finally being coerced into it by everyone, I held her, and for the first time ever, experienced the awesomeness that is holding a newborn.
It was then that I felt like my internal clock started. Sure, I had thought about it before I met my husband, but for years I knew it was not a possibility... college was my priority.
When I came into the picture his sister was about 6 months pregnant. It was always awkward between her and I (still kind of is, 3 years later). I immediately fell into the position of Aunt when we got engaged... I felt like I could assume that role in her life, and be called that (even though she was just a baby who didn't understand that her Mumma was calling me "Aunt"). I love her cute little face so much.
Now I have 2 nephews merely hours from being brought into the world, and although I know it's not really my fault, we're still without a child. We've been waiting for my body to regulate and it won't. Next month if I don't get back to normal I get to go to the doctor. It's so frustrating to see the look of disappointment in his eyes that we're not able to conceive yet. I know holding his nephews is going to be bittersweet... that he's going to hold their little hands and wish we were holding our baby. She will have 3 and we don't even have 1 yet. I hope that before my brother-in-law gets married and has a baby we'll have our own... but, you never know. :(
Regardless, I'm so excited and ready to be an aunt to 2 bouncing twin boys... I might steal one. ^__^
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Talking to strangers...
Christians came knocking on my door this morning at 9:30... Unfortunately the TV was on so they knew I was home. I'm usually not awake this early because of my trouble with sleeping at night. Sometimes I want to put a sign on the front lawn that says "The man of the house is a man of God, he ministers at the big church right behind this house."
Even when I say things like "my husband is a youth pastor", they continue on, talking about God to make sure I'm saved, or talk about going to their church. Honestly? I'm sorry, but I really don't want to talk about God with strangers in my pajamas on the front porch in 50 degree weather, and I don't know you enough to invite you in my house. Not to mention the fact that I attend my husband's church and I support your cause but need to support my husband, like it says in the Bible.
I'm a little crabby this morning. I was woken up at the crack of dawn by a kitten, and after we opened all the windows and set up a fan and slept with a sheet to fight the 80 degree house last night, I was freezing cold. Then, as soon as I was able to fall back asleep after getting the kitten to settle, his phone rang and woke me up. "The AC guy is there, he needs to come in." Well that's good news. Except he was here for literally 2 minutes and left, to check something that the contractor he's been talking to should have known the answer to... At that point, I couldn't go back to sleep.
I have an 'interview' at 2 o'clock today for a job, finally. My first interview in... uh... well 8 months, but in reality, 3 years. I'm nervous I admit, and I'm not sure how it's going to go.
I put quotes around interview because the first words out of the owner's mouth was "We really don't have any positions open but I'd like to learn more about your skill set."
Now the other part of me that gets nervous about this is the fact that he wants me to meet him at his house... It's a Southern thing, I guess.
But when a girl like me, who has dealt with neighbors and classmates forcing me into situations I didn't want to be in, I'm not trusting. When I hear "learn more about you skill set, meet me at my house" my mind wanders into what kind of skills would be best observed within the walls of a private residence.
I hate thinking like that. What I hate more is that if that really happens, I'll feel so stupid.
The man owns several newspapers, and after emailing one of his editors my resume, and her rejecting me about 3 months ago, I contacted her again and she forwarded my email to the publisher.
I'm really hoping something good comes of it. The next few hours I'm going to do my girly things, and get my portfolio ready, and read up about how to nail an interview without sounding desperate.... because I am... I got my loans deferred. The payments will be about $400-500 a month for the next 20-30 years, which is terrifying. I really wish there was an option for me to get them forgiven.
Someone, eventually, has to see I'm a good person, even just "good enough" would be, well, good enough. *sigh*
Even when I say things like "my husband is a youth pastor", they continue on, talking about God to make sure I'm saved, or talk about going to their church. Honestly? I'm sorry, but I really don't want to talk about God with strangers in my pajamas on the front porch in 50 degree weather, and I don't know you enough to invite you in my house. Not to mention the fact that I attend my husband's church and I support your cause but need to support my husband, like it says in the Bible.
I'm a little crabby this morning. I was woken up at the crack of dawn by a kitten, and after we opened all the windows and set up a fan and slept with a sheet to fight the 80 degree house last night, I was freezing cold. Then, as soon as I was able to fall back asleep after getting the kitten to settle, his phone rang and woke me up. "The AC guy is there, he needs to come in." Well that's good news. Except he was here for literally 2 minutes and left, to check something that the contractor he's been talking to should have known the answer to... At that point, I couldn't go back to sleep.
I have an 'interview' at 2 o'clock today for a job, finally. My first interview in... uh... well 8 months, but in reality, 3 years. I'm nervous I admit, and I'm not sure how it's going to go.
I put quotes around interview because the first words out of the owner's mouth was "We really don't have any positions open but I'd like to learn more about your skill set."
Now the other part of me that gets nervous about this is the fact that he wants me to meet him at his house... It's a Southern thing, I guess.
But when a girl like me, who has dealt with neighbors and classmates forcing me into situations I didn't want to be in, I'm not trusting. When I hear "learn more about you skill set, meet me at my house" my mind wanders into what kind of skills would be best observed within the walls of a private residence.
I hate thinking like that. What I hate more is that if that really happens, I'll feel so stupid.
The man owns several newspapers, and after emailing one of his editors my resume, and her rejecting me about 3 months ago, I contacted her again and she forwarded my email to the publisher.
I'm really hoping something good comes of it. The next few hours I'm going to do my girly things, and get my portfolio ready, and read up about how to nail an interview without sounding desperate.... because I am... I got my loans deferred. The payments will be about $400-500 a month for the next 20-30 years, which is terrifying. I really wish there was an option for me to get them forgiven.
Someone, eventually, has to see I'm a good person, even just "good enough" would be, well, good enough. *sigh*
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Broken glass...
The one thing I really cannot stand as a pastor's wife is the fact that I cannot defend myself. If someone has called about something I did, said, wore, thought, blinked or breathed, I can't defend myself to that person or anyone they speak to, other than pastor. Their opinion of me, and what I did that was so treacherous, gets the chance to spread itself by their tongue, and I have no defenses. My only option is not being offensive... but everything is offensive to someone... so it's not really an option.
People all around town believed I was "just here for the money" because I mentioned how I wouldn't jeopardize my husband's job, because we like to get paid so we can eat and survive.
Some people think I'm this terrible person, because things I say get misunderstood, taken out of context, or taken too literally or seriously when I'm joking. I'm really not a bad person.
And I can't do anything about it. The only thing I can do to try to cope with this judgment toward me is be on the defensive all the time.
If I don't keep it in check, it becomes paranoia. I always get worried when there's a Senior Pastor Relations (SPR) meeting, if our fate is being decided because of something I -may- have done or said that I haven't even heard about. I get worried about being myself around anyone, including our youth. Even though with our youth, when we were playing a game and I knew the answer but couldn't remember and we lost, I spurt out "DAMMIT!" and they all laughed, all I did after that was worry that some parent was going to give us a phone call. I know all the youth curse like crazy when they're not at church. I personally wish they would be themselves at church more, because if they put up an act, how are we supposed to get anywhere with them? Unfortunately we've created this Christian society where disagreeing with the mainstream view of things is wrong, where certain aspects of your personality shoul be hid within the walls, and where sinners really can't admit freely that they're sinners. Everyone in church knows they all sin, no one is perfect, but they all pretend to be, because for some reason to admit you're imperfect is taboo...
I am not what they want me to be. I know it, because there are VERY FEW Christians like me.
The thing that bothers me above all is that I'm really not a great Christian, but I am expected to be near perfect. I am a scholar, an artist, but a good Christian? No. And I know as a pastor's wife I should probably be better at it, but I'm not. And I'm not terribly interested in being perfect, either. It would be nice to be in a place where I wasn't constantly criticized, but striving toward perfection isn't going to get me there. My problem is not myself, it's others perception of me based on being misunderstood. Deep down I'm a caring, loving, creative, logical, compassionate person with a sense of humor I cherish to get me through life - a sense of humor I thank God for every day. But, this town is so stuck in the 50's that if I were to act myself I would be considered the opposite.
I had used the internet a lot to try to make sense of being a pastor's wife, and when I found myself in a group of women with the same predicament I had, I figured that maybe I could actually be myself.
Instead, it got me exactly where I am now - being accused of being this or that or the other, and not being able to defend myself. When I did, I got kicked off. Now, I know there are rules. Did I break them? Sure. Did the moderator who continued on break them? Hell yes she did. Did anything happen to her? Nope. Seems fair, doesn't it? Seems more like a dictatorship to me.
If you see someone committing a crime, do you tell them to stop, and if they don't, do you just say screw it and join in? No, you don't. And if you do, you should be held accountable for your actions just as much as the original offender. It seems to me more than anything that even pastor's wives aren't as accepting of everyone. The one breed of wives that know what it's like to feel unaccepted has turned me away.... but not before calling me ageist, discriminatory, and closed-minded. The funny thing is? I'm more open-minded than the person who claimed that I attacked anyone's opinion who didn't agree with mine. Was that before or after they attacked me for my opinion by telling me I was a discriminant? How backwards is that bullshit?
As all of it was going down, a glass fell off the dish drainer and shattered into a million pieces on the kitchen floor. Broken glass.
So now I'm wondering, if I can't even be myself around a bunch of women who know what it's like to feel like they have to pretend to be someone they're not, around a bunch of women who know what it's like to be accused because someone took something you said and twisted it, or misunderstood you and not be able to retort, who can I be myself around?
For a religion that promotes accepting sinners along with saints, I sure feel completely cast out.
Now everyone of us was made to suffer
Everyone of us was made to weep
But we've been hurting one another
And now the pain has cut too deep...
So take me from the wreckage
Save me from the blast
Lift me up and take me back
Don't let me keep on walking...
Walking on broken glass
People all around town believed I was "just here for the money" because I mentioned how I wouldn't jeopardize my husband's job, because we like to get paid so we can eat and survive.
Some people think I'm this terrible person, because things I say get misunderstood, taken out of context, or taken too literally or seriously when I'm joking. I'm really not a bad person.
And I can't do anything about it. The only thing I can do to try to cope with this judgment toward me is be on the defensive all the time.
If I don't keep it in check, it becomes paranoia. I always get worried when there's a Senior Pastor Relations (SPR) meeting, if our fate is being decided because of something I -may- have done or said that I haven't even heard about. I get worried about being myself around anyone, including our youth. Even though with our youth, when we were playing a game and I knew the answer but couldn't remember and we lost, I spurt out "DAMMIT!" and they all laughed, all I did after that was worry that some parent was going to give us a phone call. I know all the youth curse like crazy when they're not at church. I personally wish they would be themselves at church more, because if they put up an act, how are we supposed to get anywhere with them? Unfortunately we've created this Christian society where disagreeing with the mainstream view of things is wrong, where certain aspects of your personality shoul be hid within the walls, and where sinners really can't admit freely that they're sinners. Everyone in church knows they all sin, no one is perfect, but they all pretend to be, because for some reason to admit you're imperfect is taboo...
I am not what they want me to be. I know it, because there are VERY FEW Christians like me.
The thing that bothers me above all is that I'm really not a great Christian, but I am expected to be near perfect. I am a scholar, an artist, but a good Christian? No. And I know as a pastor's wife I should probably be better at it, but I'm not. And I'm not terribly interested in being perfect, either. It would be nice to be in a place where I wasn't constantly criticized, but striving toward perfection isn't going to get me there. My problem is not myself, it's others perception of me based on being misunderstood. Deep down I'm a caring, loving, creative, logical, compassionate person with a sense of humor I cherish to get me through life - a sense of humor I thank God for every day. But, this town is so stuck in the 50's that if I were to act myself I would be considered the opposite.
I had used the internet a lot to try to make sense of being a pastor's wife, and when I found myself in a group of women with the same predicament I had, I figured that maybe I could actually be myself.
Instead, it got me exactly where I am now - being accused of being this or that or the other, and not being able to defend myself. When I did, I got kicked off. Now, I know there are rules. Did I break them? Sure. Did the moderator who continued on break them? Hell yes she did. Did anything happen to her? Nope. Seems fair, doesn't it? Seems more like a dictatorship to me.
If you see someone committing a crime, do you tell them to stop, and if they don't, do you just say screw it and join in? No, you don't. And if you do, you should be held accountable for your actions just as much as the original offender. It seems to me more than anything that even pastor's wives aren't as accepting of everyone. The one breed of wives that know what it's like to feel unaccepted has turned me away.... but not before calling me ageist, discriminatory, and closed-minded. The funny thing is? I'm more open-minded than the person who claimed that I attacked anyone's opinion who didn't agree with mine. Was that before or after they attacked me for my opinion by telling me I was a discriminant? How backwards is that bullshit?
As all of it was going down, a glass fell off the dish drainer and shattered into a million pieces on the kitchen floor. Broken glass.
So now I'm wondering, if I can't even be myself around a bunch of women who know what it's like to feel like they have to pretend to be someone they're not, around a bunch of women who know what it's like to be accused because someone took something you said and twisted it, or misunderstood you and not be able to retort, who can I be myself around?
For a religion that promotes accepting sinners along with saints, I sure feel completely cast out.
Now everyone of us was made to suffer
Everyone of us was made to weep
But we've been hurting one another
And now the pain has cut too deep...
So take me from the wreckage
Save me from the blast
Lift me up and take me back
Don't let me keep on walking...
Walking on broken glass
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Children
We've been trying to have kids for awhile now, to no avail. I took another pregnancy test this morning and didn't even want to look at the results. It's become depressing. Part of me knows it's me, the other part of me wonders if because of all the crazy medications my husband has been on, that it might be him. And I don't want to hear this "It's God's will, it'll happen when He wants it to happen". I know that it is, but all hearing that does is frustrate me.
It got me thinking about when we do have kids, though.
This past Sunday during services they had the pre-youth aged kids sing in front of the church. I love when they do this, because you can pick out the ones who really don't want to be up there. The forced kids really add a certain hilarity to it.
I don't want to spoon feed my kids Christianity. I don't want to raise them atheist, either. I just want them to get to know Christ on their own terms. I'll tell them about God, and we'll go to church when they're little, but... I want them to decide for themselves if Christianity is the path they want to go down. Hopefully, for the sake of my husband's family, they'll choose Christ... I only say this because his family is SUPER Christian. My family probably wouldn't care one way or the other.
I just don't want my kid to be the one up there fidgeting and not smiling. I used to hate it when they'd make us do something like that for school, let alone church. I guess what I really want is for my kids to be comfortable at church - to know it's a safe place, a fun place, and not a place where they feel like I felt growing up--out of place.
I know in the church this "letting people think for themselves" is a big no-no, but these are my hypothetical kids and not theirs. I know what's best for my children, along with my husband. If they want to be Christian, awesome. If they want to be Buddhist, ok. If they're gay, straight, bi, whatever makes them happy. As long as they're healthy and happy, I will be too... now, what a complete disaster it would be in the church, if they were to hear the youth pastor's kid is a homosexual... Lord.
That's part of the fear of it all. I know that there is going to be people in the church judging us based on how our kids think, feel and behave. Part of this is warranted, sure, but part of it is them looking past their own children to criticize mine. Being in the youth group has been very telling of parents behaviors toward their own teenagers growth in Christ. You're tired? Ok, we'll skip church. You want to be in baseball? Ok, we'll skip church. You either commit to coming and being part of the group, or go be in sports or sleep in on Sundays - but don't be half-assed about it.
Pastor spoke with my husband the other day and asked him to call all the youth who haven't been showing up regularly to see what's up. Of course we know that we should be doing this, but being pretty new here, we didn't want to step on anyone's toes.
He sent out a nice but firm email to the parents and the kids who used to be regulars, and has gotten no response - from parent or kid.
The email basically stated that people have excuses but God is important and no excuse should keep them from God. I tried being a little nicer, and plead with the kids. I said that we miss them when they don't come, and that they're loved there, and that each one of them adds a spice that's missing when they're gone.
Which leads me back into our own, future, hypothetical kids. If they want to go to youth group when they get older, or be in Children's church, then I will hold them to it - it's a commitment.
I guess we're not used to this whole Sports > God attitude the South has. We have one parent who keeps on top of all the games (of every sport), and all the events in town. Every time we post an event on our Facebook, she swoops in to piss on it.
"Baseball game that day", "Parade that day". We try to schedule things around games and events, but the last time we changed the date of something because of every freaking imaginable thing going on around town, we ended up having to cancel the whole thing.
My thing is, not every one of our youth is in a sport all year round. A few are, but are we going to change our whole program because a kid DECIDES they would rather be in sports? What about those who aren't in sports and suffer because of that - is that fair?
I really hope my future hypothetical kids won't be sports fanatics. I hate sports... They're boring, and pointless, and make fat kids feel bad about themselves. I'm sure many of us remember being the kid who was picked last.
My family all says I'm going to be such a great mom. I just know that the church is going to think I'm a terrible mother... The church can be such a bitch sometimes.
It got me thinking about when we do have kids, though.
This past Sunday during services they had the pre-youth aged kids sing in front of the church. I love when they do this, because you can pick out the ones who really don't want to be up there. The forced kids really add a certain hilarity to it.
I don't want to spoon feed my kids Christianity. I don't want to raise them atheist, either. I just want them to get to know Christ on their own terms. I'll tell them about God, and we'll go to church when they're little, but... I want them to decide for themselves if Christianity is the path they want to go down. Hopefully, for the sake of my husband's family, they'll choose Christ... I only say this because his family is SUPER Christian. My family probably wouldn't care one way or the other.
I just don't want my kid to be the one up there fidgeting and not smiling. I used to hate it when they'd make us do something like that for school, let alone church. I guess what I really want is for my kids to be comfortable at church - to know it's a safe place, a fun place, and not a place where they feel like I felt growing up--out of place.
I know in the church this "letting people think for themselves" is a big no-no, but these are my hypothetical kids and not theirs. I know what's best for my children, along with my husband. If they want to be Christian, awesome. If they want to be Buddhist, ok. If they're gay, straight, bi, whatever makes them happy. As long as they're healthy and happy, I will be too... now, what a complete disaster it would be in the church, if they were to hear the youth pastor's kid is a homosexual... Lord.
That's part of the fear of it all. I know that there is going to be people in the church judging us based on how our kids think, feel and behave. Part of this is warranted, sure, but part of it is them looking past their own children to criticize mine. Being in the youth group has been very telling of parents behaviors toward their own teenagers growth in Christ. You're tired? Ok, we'll skip church. You want to be in baseball? Ok, we'll skip church. You either commit to coming and being part of the group, or go be in sports or sleep in on Sundays - but don't be half-assed about it.
Pastor spoke with my husband the other day and asked him to call all the youth who haven't been showing up regularly to see what's up. Of course we know that we should be doing this, but being pretty new here, we didn't want to step on anyone's toes.
He sent out a nice but firm email to the parents and the kids who used to be regulars, and has gotten no response - from parent or kid.
The email basically stated that people have excuses but God is important and no excuse should keep them from God. I tried being a little nicer, and plead with the kids. I said that we miss them when they don't come, and that they're loved there, and that each one of them adds a spice that's missing when they're gone.
Which leads me back into our own, future, hypothetical kids. If they want to go to youth group when they get older, or be in Children's church, then I will hold them to it - it's a commitment.
I guess we're not used to this whole Sports > God attitude the South has. We have one parent who keeps on top of all the games (of every sport), and all the events in town. Every time we post an event on our Facebook, she swoops in to piss on it.
"Baseball game that day", "Parade that day". We try to schedule things around games and events, but the last time we changed the date of something because of every freaking imaginable thing going on around town, we ended up having to cancel the whole thing.
My thing is, not every one of our youth is in a sport all year round. A few are, but are we going to change our whole program because a kid DECIDES they would rather be in sports? What about those who aren't in sports and suffer because of that - is that fair?
I really hope my future hypothetical kids won't be sports fanatics. I hate sports... They're boring, and pointless, and make fat kids feel bad about themselves. I'm sure many of us remember being the kid who was picked last.
My family all says I'm going to be such a great mom. I just know that the church is going to think I'm a terrible mother... The church can be such a bitch sometimes.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I still haven't been able to find a worthwhile job, although I have signed up for a blogging spot, although I have to make the blog about something and not just my life, and unfortunately religion is NOT one of the categories I can write on.
If I could, I'd write a blog for pastor's wives like me, the ones who watch rated R moves, listen to mainstream music, curse, and laugh at jokes that would give some older congregations heart attacks. But, that's what I guess I'm doing here. Unfortunately that doesn't mean I'm going to get paid, though.
On several occasions I've considered writing a book, and I've started to write it (9 pages), but I get stuck. My other book about dealing with sibling loss is also at a halt.
I bought a book called I'm More Than The Pastor's Wife, and it wasn't very helpful for me. It spoke about balancing family life and the church - time for the kids, scheduling with work, the annoyances of being a pastor's wife and what to expect. My only problem is that over 50% of the book was about family. We don't have a family yet.
They assume, for the most part, that pastor's have kids, but what about new pastors? What about pastors who just got married before they started their ministry position? What about people like me?
I didn't really grow up in a church. Someone asked me how I got "saved".
My mother and father were never really all that Christian. My mother was more spiritual, and my father was very logically inclined when it came to Christianity. When I was a teenager I started to question and reject, and he took the stance of "If you don't believe, you'll go to Hell, so you should believe." To me, that wasn't real belief, that was fear.
When my brother and I were kids Mom used to take us to a Baptist church, and I hated it. The kids were mean. I asked questions. I gave the odd answers. They didn't really like me, or if they did they had an odd way of showing it. I never felt like the Sunday school teachers liked me either. After a few years of that mom stopped taking us. I'm not sure why... maybe I plead with her enough. When we were younger whenever we'd stay with my Grandma she'd take us to church, Pentacostal. The kind of place where people would fall down twitching. I always thought how weird that was, and wondered if I would go up there, they'd lay their hands on me and I'd just stand there, like "Ok. Not working."
I went back to church, Lutheran, when I was 12, for a year. I went to youth group and again I felt out of place. I felt like the weird kid... of course I always kinda did. I asked the questions that everyone wouldn't ever think to ask. I stopped going. It felt like a clique.
When I was 14, I went back to church with a friend from school. It was awesome. It was a very small church, one room, 10 pews, and no more than 30 people. We got all dressed up and went and everyone was singing out, dancing and clapping their hands. It was nothing like the church when I was a kid - so reserved and proper... or the Lutheran church, which was even more reserved. Unfortunately those friends moved away, so I stopped going to church (mom wouldn't drive me "that far").
My mom and dad never spoke to us about God from the time we stopped going as kids until we were teenagers (16-17). My brother rejected the idea of God, called it "fairytales". I went in a different direction, exploring all different "fairytales". I found out that Paganism is a lot like an adapted version of Christianity, same basic principles just with different names. I found most religions were all connected to Christianity in some way - whether it be traditions, story, or just principles. I got really interested in religions and studied them, because the religious education I'd gotten from my parents and peers was, well, lame. In college I took a lot of religion classes, philosophy of religion was a big one for me. What I didn't like about the religion classes was when the Super-Christians would come in trying to argue the Truth.... they didn't get that that wasn't what it was about.
When I met my husband, I told him up and down I wasn't going to go back to church, and that I was perfectly happy believing what I believed, and that if he wanted to date me, to not pressure me. He didn't. Three months later, he took me to Easter service at his home church to meet his parents (who are VERY Christian). I felt at home again. We tried to go to church as often as we could - but with me and him still in college and working 20-30 hours a week, it was hard.
To be totally honest, I don't really remember a time when I was "saved" per say. I know when I was a kid I accepted Jesus into my heart, and I always kinda felt the need to go back to church. I never got baptized. When I was about 13 I spoke to my Grandmother about it who said I didn't NEED to be, that it was just symbolic, but that she was so happy I was thinking about it. I think she blames my mom for my brother and I's falling out of church, which is odd because her son never went to church, even when we did as kids.
My family was extremely surprised when they heard I was engaged to a future youth pastor. They were happy about it, but surprised. Everyone since has remarked how ridiculous that a person like me would EVER be a pastor's wife, or do well in the role.
The only snag I had was with my husband's extended family, right after we got married. I had always felt out of place, but figured it was just because I didn't get to see them much.... but, I felt all over again like I did when I was a kid - out of place, said things that they wouldn't get... they started to be very condescending to me, very rude, and downright mean. I couldn't take it any more and went off. I spouted out curse words and expressed my annoyances with the way they were treating me. After talking, we wrote them out. We haven't spoken to them or seen them for almost 2 years. They all claimed to be so Christian, but were so racist, and rude. I let it come between me. I almost left, then realized they weren't really all that Christian, because you can't be racist and Christian.
If I could, I'd write a blog for pastor's wives like me, the ones who watch rated R moves, listen to mainstream music, curse, and laugh at jokes that would give some older congregations heart attacks. But, that's what I guess I'm doing here. Unfortunately that doesn't mean I'm going to get paid, though.
On several occasions I've considered writing a book, and I've started to write it (9 pages), but I get stuck. My other book about dealing with sibling loss is also at a halt.
I bought a book called I'm More Than The Pastor's Wife, and it wasn't very helpful for me. It spoke about balancing family life and the church - time for the kids, scheduling with work, the annoyances of being a pastor's wife and what to expect. My only problem is that over 50% of the book was about family. We don't have a family yet.
They assume, for the most part, that pastor's have kids, but what about new pastors? What about pastors who just got married before they started their ministry position? What about people like me?
I didn't really grow up in a church. Someone asked me how I got "saved".
My mother and father were never really all that Christian. My mother was more spiritual, and my father was very logically inclined when it came to Christianity. When I was a teenager I started to question and reject, and he took the stance of "If you don't believe, you'll go to Hell, so you should believe." To me, that wasn't real belief, that was fear.
When my brother and I were kids Mom used to take us to a Baptist church, and I hated it. The kids were mean. I asked questions. I gave the odd answers. They didn't really like me, or if they did they had an odd way of showing it. I never felt like the Sunday school teachers liked me either. After a few years of that mom stopped taking us. I'm not sure why... maybe I plead with her enough. When we were younger whenever we'd stay with my Grandma she'd take us to church, Pentacostal. The kind of place where people would fall down twitching. I always thought how weird that was, and wondered if I would go up there, they'd lay their hands on me and I'd just stand there, like "Ok. Not working."
I went back to church, Lutheran, when I was 12, for a year. I went to youth group and again I felt out of place. I felt like the weird kid... of course I always kinda did. I asked the questions that everyone wouldn't ever think to ask. I stopped going. It felt like a clique.
When I was 14, I went back to church with a friend from school. It was awesome. It was a very small church, one room, 10 pews, and no more than 30 people. We got all dressed up and went and everyone was singing out, dancing and clapping their hands. It was nothing like the church when I was a kid - so reserved and proper... or the Lutheran church, which was even more reserved. Unfortunately those friends moved away, so I stopped going to church (mom wouldn't drive me "that far").
My mom and dad never spoke to us about God from the time we stopped going as kids until we were teenagers (16-17). My brother rejected the idea of God, called it "fairytales". I went in a different direction, exploring all different "fairytales". I found out that Paganism is a lot like an adapted version of Christianity, same basic principles just with different names. I found most religions were all connected to Christianity in some way - whether it be traditions, story, or just principles. I got really interested in religions and studied them, because the religious education I'd gotten from my parents and peers was, well, lame. In college I took a lot of religion classes, philosophy of religion was a big one for me. What I didn't like about the religion classes was when the Super-Christians would come in trying to argue the Truth.... they didn't get that that wasn't what it was about.
When I met my husband, I told him up and down I wasn't going to go back to church, and that I was perfectly happy believing what I believed, and that if he wanted to date me, to not pressure me. He didn't. Three months later, he took me to Easter service at his home church to meet his parents (who are VERY Christian). I felt at home again. We tried to go to church as often as we could - but with me and him still in college and working 20-30 hours a week, it was hard.
To be totally honest, I don't really remember a time when I was "saved" per say. I know when I was a kid I accepted Jesus into my heart, and I always kinda felt the need to go back to church. I never got baptized. When I was about 13 I spoke to my Grandmother about it who said I didn't NEED to be, that it was just symbolic, but that she was so happy I was thinking about it. I think she blames my mom for my brother and I's falling out of church, which is odd because her son never went to church, even when we did as kids.
My family was extremely surprised when they heard I was engaged to a future youth pastor. They were happy about it, but surprised. Everyone since has remarked how ridiculous that a person like me would EVER be a pastor's wife, or do well in the role.
The only snag I had was with my husband's extended family, right after we got married. I had always felt out of place, but figured it was just because I didn't get to see them much.... but, I felt all over again like I did when I was a kid - out of place, said things that they wouldn't get... they started to be very condescending to me, very rude, and downright mean. I couldn't take it any more and went off. I spouted out curse words and expressed my annoyances with the way they were treating me. After talking, we wrote them out. We haven't spoken to them or seen them for almost 2 years. They all claimed to be so Christian, but were so racist, and rude. I let it come between me. I almost left, then realized they weren't really all that Christian, because you can't be racist and Christian.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Sleeplessness
Lately I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I'm tired but I can't fall asleep. Mostly until 4-5 AM I sit in bed and just try to shut myself off and I can't.
I had a dream last night that really bothered me, mostly because of how close to reality it really was.
We were outside of our youth house in the church parking lot, and I was talking to our adult volunteer who used to be a youth. Obviously I was flustered so she asked me what was wrong, and I just went off on a tirade of a rant.
I can't post the exact rant, partly because I can't remember it, partly because it had a LOT of cursing, but it was such a strong and passionate and real rant that when I woke up I felt genuinely scared that the congregation heard it, or the other youth leaving, since it had taken place outside in the parking lot of the church.
It went something like "You know what's wrong? Everything. I'm sick and tired of these kids treating me like the bad guy or walking all over me. I'm sick and tired of not being able to get anywhere with them because they won't take any of this seriously. I'm sick of living in Al's shadow and being expected to be just like him by the church and the youth - he effing left them, and left without enough notice to let them find someone, how much does he really care if he could just leave them like that? They were his stepping stone to adult ministry! And he needs to STOP contacting the youth and let us do our damn job."
Al, whose name I changed, is the old youth pastor. I know he means well, but he's making it very hard to get anywhere with the kids. They all miss him, including our adult volunteer. I know they would rather he still be here instead of us, but there's not much I can do about that except feel like shit.
Ultimately what it comes down to is making my poor husband feel like this whole ordeal was a mistake and want to leave. I keep pushing him, telling him it's too soon and to give it time, but who knows when he's finally going to crack. Under these circumstances, I don't think he's going to last much longer before these kids burn him out. Maybe that's why Al left. Maybe he was burnt out... but to give up on them just seems so rude.
It's the only thing keeping us here. We want to leave but we can't, because despite the fact they don't take us seriously right now, complain all the time, and would rather have the old youth pastor around, we can't just leave them.
I had a dream last night that really bothered me, mostly because of how close to reality it really was.
We were outside of our youth house in the church parking lot, and I was talking to our adult volunteer who used to be a youth. Obviously I was flustered so she asked me what was wrong, and I just went off on a tirade of a rant.
I can't post the exact rant, partly because I can't remember it, partly because it had a LOT of cursing, but it was such a strong and passionate and real rant that when I woke up I felt genuinely scared that the congregation heard it, or the other youth leaving, since it had taken place outside in the parking lot of the church.
It went something like "You know what's wrong? Everything. I'm sick and tired of these kids treating me like the bad guy or walking all over me. I'm sick and tired of not being able to get anywhere with them because they won't take any of this seriously. I'm sick of living in Al's shadow and being expected to be just like him by the church and the youth - he effing left them, and left without enough notice to let them find someone, how much does he really care if he could just leave them like that? They were his stepping stone to adult ministry! And he needs to STOP contacting the youth and let us do our damn job."
Al, whose name I changed, is the old youth pastor. I know he means well, but he's making it very hard to get anywhere with the kids. They all miss him, including our adult volunteer. I know they would rather he still be here instead of us, but there's not much I can do about that except feel like shit.
Ultimately what it comes down to is making my poor husband feel like this whole ordeal was a mistake and want to leave. I keep pushing him, telling him it's too soon and to give it time, but who knows when he's finally going to crack. Under these circumstances, I don't think he's going to last much longer before these kids burn him out. Maybe that's why Al left. Maybe he was burnt out... but to give up on them just seems so rude.
It's the only thing keeping us here. We want to leave but we can't, because despite the fact they don't take us seriously right now, complain all the time, and would rather have the old youth pastor around, we can't just leave them.
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