Lately I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I'm tired but I can't fall asleep. Mostly until 4-5 AM I sit in bed and just try to shut myself off and I can't.
I had a dream last night that really bothered me, mostly because of how close to reality it really was.
We were outside of our youth house in the church parking lot, and I was talking to our adult volunteer who used to be a youth. Obviously I was flustered so she asked me what was wrong, and I just went off on a tirade of a rant.
I can't post the exact rant, partly because I can't remember it, partly because it had a LOT of cursing, but it was such a strong and passionate and real rant that when I woke up I felt genuinely scared that the congregation heard it, or the other youth leaving, since it had taken place outside in the parking lot of the church.
It went something like "You know what's wrong? Everything. I'm sick and tired of these kids treating me like the bad guy or walking all over me. I'm sick and tired of not being able to get anywhere with them because they won't take any of this seriously. I'm sick of living in Al's shadow and being expected to be just like him by the church and the youth - he effing left them, and left without enough notice to let them find someone, how much does he really care if he could just leave them like that? They were his stepping stone to adult ministry! And he needs to STOP contacting the youth and let us do our damn job."
Al, whose name I changed, is the old youth pastor. I know he means well, but he's making it very hard to get anywhere with the kids. They all miss him, including our adult volunteer. I know they would rather he still be here instead of us, but there's not much I can do about that except feel like shit.
Ultimately what it comes down to is making my poor husband feel like this whole ordeal was a mistake and want to leave. I keep pushing him, telling him it's too soon and to give it time, but who knows when he's finally going to crack. Under these circumstances, I don't think he's going to last much longer before these kids burn him out. Maybe that's why Al left. Maybe he was burnt out... but to give up on them just seems so rude.
It's the only thing keeping us here. We want to leave but we can't, because despite the fact they don't take us seriously right now, complain all the time, and would rather have the old youth pastor around, we can't just leave them.
I know how hard it is to deal with church people (I am a church planting pastor's wife!). God reminds me over and over again that I am not serving Him to please other people, I am serving Him to please Him. In the end, what He thinks of me is all that matters. It is so hard to feel like people are constantly upset with you and do nothing but criticize, but in the scope of eternity, these people are nothing more than ants running around, or weeds that bloom in the morning and die out before nightfall. We love them, we speak truth to them, and how they respond is on them. In the end, we serve One God, and knowing that He has called me to serve Him through this group of Believers is enough.
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